I've Lost A Lot, I'm Getting Some Of It Back

So, I haven't blogged in forever...because?  Because I haven't wanted to talk about it.  I haven't wanted to talk about having to move again, moving the kids to a new school again, about being depressed again, about not having enough spunk left to get to know a new PTA set and volunteer at said new school.  I haven't blogged because I haven't been doing anything other than going through the motions and scraping together the energy to just get through the today.  Isabel started school this year and I only just barely managed to take a couple of pictures on the first day.  Nicholas is having all his same old struggles in school, only with much more of a vengeance.  I'm working with his teacher to get him evaluated and my dad is helping by coming over to tutor Nicholas twice a week, but I still feel frustrated by how slow the process is.  Well, actually, I'm frustrated but I'm not.  The process IS slow, but I feel like this new teacher is the first one to take his troubles seriously and is actively trying to get him some real help.  So, there's a ray in the dark with that.

But as for myself, I just feel kind of void.  I have so little interest in...things, in life, in activity.  It takes a lot out of me to do every day tasks, and it's pretty gargantuan to actually enjoy something, anything.  Frank doesn't know what's wrong with me.  Neither do I.  I try really hard to spend at least some time each day enjoying the here and now with my kids, so they're not just living with my empty shell.  Some days I do better than others.  Some days I sleep all day while they're at school.  Some days I don't eat.  Some days I eat too much.  Some days I don't think and some days I think too much...and short circuit my brain.  Brain malfunction hurts; I wish I didn't have it.  It helps to watch tv, it's kind of numbing, but then I feel guilty for not doing anything productive, which pretty much sinks me further into the muck.  But on the other hand, I don't have any desire left to read or bake or listen to music.  I have actually ceased reading books for leisure.  

Is all this too much for you?  Because it's too much for me, sometimes.  And then some days, I feel fairly normal and I do laundry and shop for groceries and laugh with my kids and cuddle with my husband and feel hopeful.  But those days are fewer than the other kind.